EDDIE THE GUTTER MAN

Eddie the Gutter Man has been staying with us for the past five weeks.  Ironically, we live in Los Angeles and don’t have gutters.  We do have something that resembles a gutter, but it’s currently being used by our resident possum as a step ladder to get onto the roof. 

Truth be told, Eddie the Gutter Man is my dad.  He’s addicted to everything gutter. 

Whenever we’re in the car, he has to point out the gutters on people’s houses.

“Look at that gutter. Probably hasn’t been cleaned in years. I’ll bet I’d make a killin’ if I moved to California.”

That’s what my dad always says.  California.  Most people would brag that they’re in Los Angeles.  Not Eddie the Gutter Man.  Over the course of five weeks, he called every single person in his cell phone directory (and he has a lot of numbers in there for a 67 year old guy from New Jersey), to tell them he’s in California.

I designed a website for his business.  This took the entire five weeks.  Not because the design was elaborate.  That took 2 days. It was the fucking picture taking.

I should probably mention here that Eddie the Gutter Man is also vain, and other than gutters, he loves nothing more than pictures of himself.

 “Here Kim, take my picture with this gutter.” 

“Should we get a shot of me standing in the gutter?”

“How about if we get a shot of me holding the gutter like a baseball bat?”

“Twirling it like a baton?”

“Over my shoulder like a rifle?”

“As a raft in the pool?”

Anyway, Eddie the Gutter Man also has a home improvement business.  We’re lucky that he made a lot of improvements to our house while he was here. For free!  But, you can probably guess what I’m about to say:  I HAD TO TAKE A PICTURE OF HIM DOING EVERY SINGLE PROJECT. 

 “Hey Kim, get a shot of me closing the toilet lid.  Make sure the caulking is in the picture.”

“Did I look alright?”

“Did you get the logo on my sweatpants?”

Here he is with his favorite helper.  His grandson.  He follows him everywhere.  Even into the bathroom.  Eddie the Gutter Man takes almost as many pictures of him as he does of himself.

“Look Kim.  Here’s a picture of my grandson walkin’ down the street.  Here’s his next step.  And the next one. And the next one.  Isn’t that cute?”

Don’t get me wrong.  I love pictures of my son as much as the next guy, but give me a break.  He takes little steps.  How different could each picture be?

Each morning I could hear him on the phone, talking about his new website.  “Yeah, it’s Eddie from Eddie’s Gutter Service.  I’m out here in California.  I need a testimonial for my new website.  Can you email me something?  You know, I’ve been doing your gutters for a long time.  Oh, you don’t have email?  Can you send it in the mail?  Oh, you’re really sick in bed?  Do you have a pen handy?  No?  Well, can you just memorize my address?”

Eddie the Gutter Man is old school Italian.  And like I said earlier, he’s from New Jersey.  Paterson, to be exact.  This means he has a slight accent. 

“Hey, yeah, Tony.  Yeah, it’s me, Eddie.  Yeah, I’m out here in California visitin’ my grandson.  Yeah, I’m here five weeks.  Yeah, my daughter’s got me working my fuckin’ ass off over here.  Yeah, she’s got me cookin’ sauce and meatballs all day.”

Embarrassingly, this is true.  Eddie the Gutter Man is also a rocking cook.  After a six hour flight, I insist on stopping off at the grocery store on the way home.  He complains he’s too tired.  “Come on, old man. Grow a pair,” I usually say.  He always gives in.  All the cashiers know him by name.  So do the fireman who regularly shop there. He typically causes a scene by offering to teach them how to make real Italian sauce.  Matter of fact, that’s how Eddie the Gutter Man cooks.  Like he’s cooking for the entire fucking Los Angeles Fire Department. 

“Nah Kim.  You need to buy 800 cans of tomato sauce.  Otherwise it just won’t come out right.”  “And you’d better get 400 pounds of chopped meat too.”  Um, okay.  We’re a family of five and I don’t eat meat.

Our neighbors love when he visits.  They think he’s a real character, and we have so many leftovers, they don’t have to cook the entire time he’s here.  Someone is consistently walking up and down the block handing out or returning tupperware, like an assembly line.  He leaves the front door open when he’s cooking so the smell will let the neighbors know he’s in town.

After three years, we hadn’t even met most of our neighbors until Eddie the Gutter Man arrived.  He’s always saying he doesn’t like people, but then invites neighbors we don’t even know over for dinner. 

“Hey, let’s invite Karen and Dave over for supper.  They’re not home?  How about Molly? She’s out of town? Okay. Let’s invite Jen and her parents.”  Jen’s parents like him so much they sent oranges and lemons from their garden all the way to New Jersey. 

Eddie the Gutter Man is also a manny.  No, not really.  But, I will tell you this: I didn’t change one diaper for five weeks; (yes, our son is 2.5 and not potty trained yet…shoot me).  At certain times of the day, I’d say, “I smell poop.”  And that would be that.  After he left, I mentioned to my husband that his diaper hadn’t been changed for quite awhile.  He pointed out it was my responsibility to change his diaper during the day.  Can’t Eddie the Gutter Man do it?  What?  He went back to New Jersey?  Fuck.

Eddie the Gutter Man loves taking his grandson to the park.  They go every day.  Sometimes they go to three or four parks.  Do you know how many pictures that is?  Let’s see:  5,000 pictures per park, 4 parks per day, 7 days per week, 5 weeks.  You get the point. 

Eddie the Gutter Man is back in New Jersey and we miss him.  Last night, I shouted out, “HEY, OLD MAN, WHAT’S FOR DINNER?,” and no one answered.  Good thing he cooks like he’s cooking for the Los Angeles Fire Department.  There’s 500 containers of sauce in our freezer.

If you live in the greater northern New Jersey area or upstate New York, and need your gutters done, or improvements made to your home, give him a call. He’s awesome!

 

www.edinthegutter.com

 xo